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 All interpersonal relationships face similar challenges. It is how you respond that makes or breaks the bond. Relationships should be about two people. There must be a match somewhere–something to relate around–whether the commonality is values, life-theme, career, shared history, type, chemistry, or philosophy of life.
Keys to Relationship Success
Each of us has our own definition of how to relate, and the language of love two people share so easily at some moments can unravel at others. Many times, two otherwise intelligent people believe they are blatantly and obviously communicating their needs and values, when in fact little gets through, because each is working from different core assumptions, interpreting remarks and gestures differently, or looking for an altogether different set of signals. Even seemingly self-explanatory words like passion and trust, intimacy and communication, and commitment and respect can actually hide tremendous differences. Each temperament has its own language.
What you can trust in a relationship is that people will act according to their temperament core needs and values, their type's themes, and the life-themes and attitudes and beliefs that flavor who they are. Even when people agree in principle they go on doing things differently! When there are problems, you do not always need to “fix” them or back off and distance yourself. You can simply give the other person more space to be who he or she is. And you do not need to change each other or yourself, only change what parts of yourselves you show to each other.
Use the guidelines below to help you understand and perhaps discover some strategies for your relationships. These are particularly useful in bringing together the four major ingredients on the previous page.
The Catalyst™
Catalysts recognize the importance of sitting with and exploring their values and emotional needs. Insisting they always "be there" for you and not allowing them space to discover other parts of themselves may end your relationship. Catalysts also need to allow others more emotional room than they themselves usually need–few people are as talented as Catalysts in living with and resolving conflicting feelings. Support Catalysts in any new quests or interests with the understanding that they will probably come around again in time to revisit and reintegrate the relationship. They will disassociate from a person they believe can't grow with them. Many Catalysts are strong on intimacy and are able to “go there”–and stay there–more than most. |
The Stabilizer™
Stabilizer™s expect a physical space and time set aside—this shows you care and want to include them. This space in your shared lives should be appropriate and long term, not arbitrary, and time spent together should feel comfortable, not rushed or thoughtless. In their desire to monitor and lend a helping hand, Stabilizer™s can also leave others without enough privacy, independence, or responsibility for themselves. Reconfirm each other’s roles and ask the Stabilizer™ to develop a new way to delegate responsibility in the relationship if you want more freedom for yourself. Stabilizer™s expectations are often quite traditional. Many Stabilizer™s’ are strong on commitment and may be ready to commit sooner than others.
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The Theorist™
Theorists prefer time to think–a conceptual space to understand what’s going on. Ignoring their ideas without listening or attacking reason as a way to understand interpersonal interactions, will leave them cold. Theorists also need to make allowances for others here. Most people do not have the same talent or get the same energizing feeling from analyzing, maximizing and redesigning a relationship. Engage the Theorists’ ideas and explicitly ask them to come up with new ones if you disagree. They may not go somewhere in a relationship if they feel incompetent at it and detest when others try to think for them. Many Theorists are strong on compatibility–two people should fit into the big picture of each other's lives with a way to relate. |
The Improviser™
Improvisers want space to act, and opportunities for freedom and spontaneity will keep them around. The Improviser™ who feels trapped or taken advantage of will be resistant and desire escape. Similarly, Improvisers can become impatient when others do not act fast enough or act awkwardly, and in their desire to move forward they may end up going their own way or grabbing for themselves the very opportunities the other person needs. Improvisers are keenly interested in your motives in a situation, and they want to know what you want in a relationship so they can give that to you. They experience arbitrary rules in relationships as unnecessary obstacles and enjoy surprises. Many Improvisers are strong on passion and chemistry.
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